Hum a Few Bars and I'll Fake It!

It's that old joke. Maybe the ultimate musician joke. It has a thousand variations. Maybe the original is the one where

there's a noisy party with a guy playing the piano real loud. Another guy walks up to him and says "Do you know there's a little old lady upstairs trying to sleep?" And the piano player says "No, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it!"

[.]

CHURCHY: Mr. Vaughan has a nice job for you - he avvertises that he needs a man who ain't hearn the story, "There's a li'l ol' lady sick upstairs."
OWL: I knows one more version than him!
CHURCHY: Playin' the pinanna all brawly and grrr an' a guy come in an' say, "Do you know there's a li'l ol' lady sick upstairs?"-
[.]

CHURCHY: An' the piranno plyer say, "Hum a li'l bit of it an' I'll give it a rally ho!"
OWL: An' the other versions is, to wit-
OWL: He was playin' 1. a saxlephone; 2. a 3 string pinochle; 3. a double octave mortician; 4. a glucklebuck; 5. a fifth; 6. a boogle; 7. a sneerp.
CHURCHY: 8. She wasn't no lady, she was his wife. (1964)

In another version the piano player has a monkey. An ancient Druid wheezes up to the piano player and asks, "Do you know your monkey dreed in my weird?"

[dagtroob.]

In 1977 the hippies had finally come to Dagwoodland.
HIPPIE: Sir, I'm a strolling troubador. For a dollar I'll sing a song of your choice. DAGWOOD: Do you know you're a disgrace to humanity? HIPPIE: No, but if you'd hum a few bars, maybe I can fake it.

My sister wields a mean fake book and can sight read the bunny raisins on the bottom of a rabbit cage. Sometimes she plays piano - like Twenties Top Forty and Forties Top Twenty - for a music therapist at nursing homes. She recalls a memorable occasion when she started playing for a room full of little old ladies lined up in wheel chairs when from somewhere in the center of the room an ancient voice piped up "Do you know I've gotta get out of here and go to the bathroom?"

And my sister wheels around on the piano stool and she's like -
No, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it!

[muttjeff.]

JEFF: Yes? STRAIGHT MAN: Didn't you hear me pounding on the floor upstairs? JEFF: Oh, that's OK, we're making a lot of noise ourselves! STRAIGHT MAN: Do you know we're trying to sleep? JEFF: Hey, guys, do we know that number - "We're trying to sleep?"

"Hum a few bars" only works in English. The confusion of "know" and "know that" isn't possible in Standard Average European. If you don't believe me, try running the joke through Alta Vista's Babelfish translator:

ALLEGED FRENCH: Il y a une partie bruyante avec un type jouant le vrai fort de piano. Un autre type marche jusqu' à lui et dit que "vous savez il y a une petite vieille dame essayant en haut de dormir?" Et le joueur de piano dit le "non, mais ronfle quelques barres et je le truquerai!"

ALLEGED SPANISH: Hay un partido ruidoso con un individuo que juega el ruidoso verdadero del piano. Otro individuo recorre hasta él y dice que "Usted sabe allí es una pequeña vieja señora arriba que intenta dormir? "Y el jugador del piano dice "no, pero tararea algunas barras y lo falsificaré!"

ALLEGED GERMAN: Es gibt ein lautes Beteiligtes mit einem Halteseil, das das reale laute des Klaviers spielt. Ein anderes Halteseil geht bis zu ihm und sagt, daß "Sie dort sind eine kleine alte Dame wissen, die oben versucht zu schlafen?" Und der Klavierspieler sagt " Nr., aber summt einige Stäbe und ich fälsche es!"

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July 14th, 2000